Lonliness...a rich man's grave

He's ragged, he's worn.
His clothes...they are stained and torn.
Unsettling
Harsh
The stench how it seeps, and he reeks of this
foul drink,
of a lifestyle so far from peace.
Far from the light that his lonely heart needs.
He is cold, and they hate him.
They mock him, they disgrace him.
What sickness does penetrate so deep,
to turn a man so far we can't even weep....
In his packet there lies a buck, or two,
perhaps he has a few grand. No money he
has no need, you see he is a rich man
full of lies and full of greed.
This man has a hunger,
of something to feed,
a sickness so deep,
Loneliness will be,
his tragic end.

What if Jesus was serious when he said...take everything you have and give it to the poor, take your cross, follow me, risk everything, lose your life...all for my sake. What if he meant it?

Lately I have had so many mixed feelings about so many things. Frustrations with the church, and frustrations with my spiritual life, questions and issues that have been just plaguing my mind on how exactly do I serve this God that I know is real and in my life? How do I serve him with my life, when for one there are so many different views for his church and I just haven't been able to put my finger on the right one.

I've been feeling like what is the point of church. Now don't get me wrong, I think that church is extremely important. The church is the family of God and he has commanded us to "do" church. But "going" to church on this designated day, to go to a building where so many people get lost in the crowd, so many just go to go and sit and think about whats for lunch or actually listen, but never ask questions and never feel anything. I think Church is great, but lately it's just been bothering me. There is a huge disconnect, I feel. We are going to this place, but we are not really sure why, or how to do this thing we have been commanded to do effectively. What if we came and we mingled together, and shared our fears, our struggles, our questions, talked, discussed, grew together, dined on his supper, prayed at his feet, worshiped, what if??? Why a building why pews why dresses??? Who are we glorifying in this?

Well today I received a revelation. I don't know where the issue of church will fit in this yet, but lately, I have been thinking that I need to find a career that is suited for me. So that when I graduate I can get a job, make money get a family, and go to church, do mission work etc. But it hit me today. This is the American Dream. NOT my dream. A career is wonderful. But its not my vocation. Jesus is my vocation and the career that I chose has to fit that. I believe that my life needs to be radical. Jesus was radical, his disciples were radical...they were "rooted" in the way of Jesus, of showing this world there is a better life. I believe that I need to use my gift, art, in my vocation, and my career should fit this. Now what that career will be or how I will achieve this I have NO idea, but I do know that it will be in the states, and that God will lead me.

There are so many here in our country that are lost. I want to be able to help. I want my life to be a beacon...not a strobe light, but a gentle beacon shouting Jesus through my actions, not through bible bashing, no....through LOVE. As Shawn Claiborne says, there are many seekers of his kingdom that can not find Jesus because the lives of Christians around them are making such horrid noise they can't hear the whisper of Jesus himself. I want to spread his whisper. I have no idea what I will do in the future...but I want to start right now. I am sick of saying I want to go on a mission trip....because I am in a mission field. I want to act. And I am frustrated because I can't figure out where to start. I pray he will lead me....and I know he will.

Storm

The rain is pouring down. I can feel it's cleansing as it pours, listening to the sound, I know it is you. There is a feeling that everything in this world is under a glass box..every control is being made and every rotating piece of this world is in it's orbit...and I'm breathing here in this tiny room...just listening to the magic that I have no control over. To think that my fingers can feel this rain, but they can not begin to feel every piece of wonder absorbed deep within this drop...where it has journeyed, from it's home all the way to my finger tip.

I know you have brought this rain...this down pour mimics your glory. Showing how you wash away everything within it's time. You wash away my sin just as every leaf will be cast down this stream and forgotten. And the thunder it roars and groans in the night, your voice still resonates...no matter how many try to snuff it out.

I'm speechless of what to say, what words to utter to show how the understanding has found me. I haven't reached that place...I haven't gained the understanding to be worthy of speecing in your presence. I can not begin to explain how I feel...it's a chaotic, confused, joyful, mornful, melancholy feeling...completely contradictory and meaningless until I come to understand that YOU are the piece that will fix every single inch of my confusion..of my uncomplete answers. I just want YOU. God..Father...Omega...Redeemer...all will cease..but I find you ceaseless in this storm...present in the lightening crash and the wailing winds...ceaseless when the thunder roars in side this violent craze. I want to be home. I want to go home. See home feel home be home.

I have seen so many crazy Earth shadering things in the last week and all I know is that I don't like this world. This world shaders my heart, tears it to pieces, ripping..shredding. And how thankful am I..to have a mender.

It is so silent. All I hear is this storm. This Rain. I know you are here. Your hand is upon me. You love pours within this rain. I love you.

Christmas....Lilies of the field?

WOW it has been a really long time since I have written anything on this blog. Time has passed and things have changed. I don't even know where to start,

How about this. Why do we celebrate Christmas? I understand Christmas is a celebration of Christ and his birth, even though "technically" we don't know that he was born on this day. Lately I have been having a really hard time with Christmas. Which is weird...because clearly Christmas is a very long way away. But It just seems so meaningless and ridiculous that we have to spend so much on ourselves, on our families, when there are people in this world that don't have anything.

Christmas is usually something I look forward to...it is a fun time, but I have been convicted of the fact that most of the excitement that I feel is "What will I get?" I I I...I become so consumed with what things I will be receiving, how many gifts I will have, and once it's all over, money is spent, time is passed....I forget about half of these things.

Lately, the idea of a simple life has just been drawing my heart. The idea that one could live so simply and beautifully without want, but not consumed with materials, not laden with stuff...no 60 hour crazy run run work weeks, or a husband who is so busy that he has to rush out the door without giving you a warm kiss goodbye...just a life full of light and peace, joy and sunshine...having time to lay in the grass and soak up the sun, feeling the light breeze on your face listening to your children playing around you. Your family of Christians right beside you every step of the way...through good times, through the tragic life shadering moments...or even the gloomy days in between.

I know that Christmas...isn't the problem...it's not the soul issue in materialism. I know that most of our lives are so consumerized that even our 4 dollar cups of coffee can't seem too bad. And believe me, I love my coffee and this is going to be terribly hard to break....but I just thought I would share this. Please comment if you have any thoughts. :)